I am not adjusting to the real world very well today. My head feels like its got water in it, my ears feel like they are blocked up, my body is broken, shaky and achy. I’m struggling to type this and I can’t really read it because i keep crying… The glasto come down gets harder every year. The kids too, they miss their friends, the music, and the universal love…
This is a guest post from one of my long time friends Bec… she called me the other day to tell me what she had been up to, I laughed so hard that i asked her to guest post… here is her story:
So this weekend has been eventful!
I was accused by the neighbour talking about her in my back garden and had the police called on me.
Serious crime I know – stand aside murderers, gangs and drug pushers! ….
I spent most of my late teens and early adult life with the crippling self limiting belief that I was a ‘bit thick’ therefore would never ‘Get a good job and be successful in life’. This stayed with me for years suppressing any awareness of what real value I had to give the world.
… call it self discovery, self awareness or simply ‘ growing up’ I now know that way of thinking is utter bollox…
And on this beautiful Sunday, I am conscious that the weight of my love carry’s a deep awareness of a very high price… Pain.
‘The knowing’ that one day, at the end of the journey there will always be an element of grief and loss -A risk I take just so I can touch the center of the universe & experience all that is.
(6 months on from the last blog post – January 2013)
After amazing cuddle with my family, I opened the curtains and there was the best sight ever! A bright blue Sunday sky and a golden orb of Winter sun ! So utterly refreshing. This was going to be a special day
The sun shines on everything and brings the most welcome sense of release. I put on this track loud and dance round the house in my PJS as we cook breakfast.
I was light I had spread my wings. I was ready to fly.
By the Full Blue Moon I had begun to heal physically & emotionally. 8 weeks on, it was now time to climb out of the hole.
Grateful for the experience of it all – the emotions, the lessons, the growth, the empathy for others, the insight – I was now ready to come back to me…
As I looked back and remembered the enlightened moments I had on the door step, the sounds of Orbitals Belfast ranging in my ears. I looked up to the sky, then looked to my phones flight radar app. She was off – my best friend was off to start a new life
For the next few weeks I sunk into another deep depression, I had never experienced such lows before and it was scary. I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. I felt abandoned by closes friends and disappointed by family members – and I closed the door on the world. No one really knew what I was going through other than my husband and my best friend.
The days merged into one and the inward battle of love and pain flowed through me – fleeting feelings of being alone and feeling like I had the world at my feet.
I chatted daily to my best friend daily and she kept me afloat, I sensed she had something to tell me but was worried because I was so vulnerable but I guessed and took the words out of her mouth for her
‘You’re going aren’t you’
All I remember for the next few days was sinking somewhere I had never been before.
My mom had to take 3 days off work and come help – Harry’s work was stacking up and the pressure was on – and it was fucking annoying I couldn’t do anything – physically or emotionally.
I hurt, I really hurt. I was unable to get myself out of bed without Harry lifting me gently and me wincing with pain – I was simply unable to do anything!
After years of meditation I naturally take very long deep breaths, but at this point I was unable to breathe anything more than 1-2 seconds before the pain kicked in! It was a horrid feeling and this was sort of getting me down and on top of that the kids wanted cuddles and I couldn’t give them because it just bloody hurt so much.