I’ve always seen my life as a movie with a continuous soundtrack.. I get nostalgic when i look back and I gush with excitement when I look forward. When I’m ‘in the now’ i normally cry with gratitude and peace – and 75% of the time there is a the live sound track emphasising the moment – our world is continuously vibing from beautiful music.
Category Archives: attack
Part 1 here: http://wp.me/p1aZQr-sV
Days of fire – a song that holds all of my feelings of this day.
We were stood in the crowd waiting to cross the Marylebone Road to get to the buses. Holding harry’s hand I said calmly, “babe we need to stop and go into a cafe and listen to the news, something isn’t right.”
I felt his whole body flinch with annoyance and it caught me off guard. I knew he felt the pressure of needing to get to work. Harry is an incredibly loyal guy, always on time and reliable and took his job seriously. I knew he thought I was being a bit silly, so he calmly just ignored me. I tried to reason this in my head , but the panic that something bad was going to happen was taking over my mind and I was desperate to make him hear me.
“You need to listen to me, we can’t go any further into town”
“Babe, I need to get to work”
My own personal experience of 7/7 bombings are incomparable to the realism of the death and destruction that struck our city that morning, but for me that day was an awakening and an insight
… a day that changed me forever.
By the Full Blue Moon I had begun to heal physically & emotionally. 8 weeks on, it was now time to climb out of the hole.
Grateful for the experience of it all – the emotions, the lessons, the growth, the empathy for others, the insight – I was now ready to come back to me…
As I looked back and remembered the enlightened moments I had on the door step, the sounds of Orbitals Belfast ranging in my ears. I looked up to the sky, then looked to my phones flight radar app. She was off – my best friend was off to start a new life
For the next few weeks I sunk into another deep depression, I had never experienced such lows before and it was scary. I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. I felt abandoned by closes friends and disappointed by family members – and I closed the door on the world. No one really knew what I was going through other than my husband and my best friend.
The days merged into one and the inward battle of love and pain flowed through me – fleeting feelings of being alone and feeling like I had the world at my feet.
I chatted daily to my best friend daily and she kept me afloat, I sensed she had something to tell me but was worried because I was so vulnerable but I guessed and took the words out of her mouth for her
‘You’re going aren’t you’
All I remember for the next few days was sinking somewhere I had never been before.
My mom had to take 3 days off work and come help – Harry’s work was stacking up and the pressure was on – and it was fucking annoying I couldn’t do anything – physically or emotionally.
I hurt, I really hurt. I was unable to get myself out of bed without Harry lifting me gently and me wincing with pain – I was simply unable to do anything!
After years of meditation I naturally take very long deep breaths, but at this point I was unable to breathe anything more than 1-2 seconds before the pain kicked in! It was a horrid feeling and this was sort of getting me down and on top of that the kids wanted cuddles and I couldn’t give them because it just bloody hurt so much.
ok… SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO much has happened since september
I have 3 blogs about after the attack… but it was sort of painful to post them… they’re half written – (well semi finished)
But I just had to move on from it – so didn’t want to go back there – HOWEVER now I am ready to share –
Lots of emails asking when I was going to finish off the story – sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger
However – watch this space – they are coming 🙂
In the mean time have some music, celebrate the winter sun… and be thankful
Love and light to you all
When I got home I was overcome with exhaustion. I felt really guilty because I didn’t understand why I was so tired. I had to leave Harry to sort the kids and prop myself up on the sofa in another room away from the noise and chaos.
I was cold and emotionally just felt a bit numb. Again, I couldn’t quite get my head round why I was feeling like this – it’s not like I was stabbed or anything… it’s just a few cracked ribs. I just didn’t think it was a big deal. Continue reading