Yesterday I had one of the hardest days in a long time to test my vibration of happiness… Ironically this happened within 24 hours of launching the How to be Fucking Happy Facebook page!
That morning I was on my usual high vibe, woke up dancing round the kitchen to good tunes, FaceTime with best friend during frantic school rush, and headed off to work with a buzz on … life was great and I was really feeling the flow.
Just before lunch time, I received a Facebook message from My little brother asking me if I was ok. It was all very random to be honest and i knew there was something up with him. I eventually got hold of him on the phone and managed to drag it out of him.
Now I can safely say My Baby Bro does not buy into any of my hippy shit. He is a science loving, number crunching practical thinking kinda guy, however when he woke yesterday morning all the science and logic went out the window.
He had a vision – This vision interrupted his dreaming and left him paralysed with fear. He knew it was nothing like he had experienced before and his logical brain was not living up to its normal strength to rationalising. To him this was no normal dream, this was a warning.
Bless him, I have never heard him so worried and emotional before. He had a vision of me and my baby daughter being killed by a car as we walked along a road. I had to almost virtually beat it out of him what he saw, he hated telling me. but I made him tell me in full detail – and it was VERY detailed!
Now if you read my blogs, you will know that I 100% trust the 6th sense, but I also know that unless you are experienced in these its hard to really make out what the messages are. Also I knew that there were 4 planets in retrograde so the energy overall was a little tense and weird , so I decided it wasn’t going to worry me …BUT I was worried, YET I was also rationalising. I have had so many dreams like this, most of which are cryptic, I have strong intuitions that are warnings for people and many truths in them, but often are not what you think, this was all too much for me . WHAT WAS THIS!???
The rest of the day I spent into a strange haze I WAS SO FLAT. In all honesty I felt really moody and dark, and I was struggling getting out of it because i just couldn’t seem to find the true root of this feeling. And you know what happens, you get on a low you just attract disappointment and shit into the rest of your day!
I wanted to meditate , but Tuesdays are my busy day with school runs and after school clubs and a radio show – I couldn’t find the space.
I called upon my very good friend who said she’d see me for reiki tomorrow (today) bless her she cancelled her meeting so I could see her! I knew i just needed to get through the day untill tomorrows Reiki session where I knew Id find some answers. I’ve not had that ‘just gotta get through the day’ feeling forever… and i hated that i was feeling that – fucking hell this could be my last day on earth and i’m spending it in a crappy flat mood!
I know I have created a self fulfilling prophecy that I am going to die young it’s why I live hard now.. it’s why I seems to have a high energy of happiness. I don’t know why but I have carried this around for years – and I knew I had to shake this away.
I don’t want to die yet… I feel like i have finally mastered the universe and I WANT TO PLAY – I want to use this energy in life, share it, teach it – I WANT TO LIVE.
I know I have created this moment – but where has is come from??
what are the lessons, what DO I WANT…
I meditated before bed and found some peace then laid my hands on myself for Reiki and cried, like hidden worms, moments of darkness released from me I cried in a way I had never cried before. I was locked in the lost world of my mind. I knew the reality was not reality and the grips of fear had got its hands firmly round my neck. – but it was like my body was releasing dead energy, I cried for my past, cried for my lost innocence, I cried for my children, the fact I have not been the best mother i could be, the fear that I have not built them up enough and now my time with them has run out.
I went to places I never go – and it hurt, and i knew this was big, because i had never cried like that like my body was in a coma but my emotions were running at 600 pmh!
The truth of my dark feelings… GUILT – My fear as a mother was that i had not done enough for my kids.. that i had been given time with them but i had wasted these past few years – I tried to think back to when Arabella was 18 months old and i just couldn’t remember!!! I had not given them what they really needed , was I leaving them unprepared because of my own selfishness.
I passed out with a large blue Kyanite stone on my stomach and my hands channelling reiki and tears streaming down my cheeks
I was lost in fear
.. to be continued