7/7 bombing – A day that changed me forever (part 2)

Part 1 here:  http://wp.me/p1aZQr-sV

Days of fire – a song that holds all of my feelings of this day.

We were stood in the crowd waiting to cross the Marylebone Road to get to the buses. Holding harry’s hand I said calmly, “babe we need to stop and go into a cafe and listen to the news, something isn’t right.”

I felt his whole body flinch with annoyance and it caught me off guard. I knew he  felt the  pressure of needing to get to work. Harry is an incredibly loyal guy, always on time and reliable and  took his job seriously.  I knew he thought I was being a bit silly, so he calmly just ignored me. I tried to reason this in my head , but the panic that something bad was going to happen was taking over my mind and I was desperate to make him hear me.

“You need to listen to me, we can’t go any further into town”

“Babe, I need to get to work”

We waited to cross the road,  tears started to fill my eyes. I was holding his hand tight and my fear was starting to turn into anger. ‘Why was he being so stubborn, it was only going to take 10 mins, we were late anyway and work would understand, everyone is going to be late.

???????????????????????????????

As we crossed the road my rage began to build. I froze on the spot, and refused to move. His huge 6.4ft build looking down on me was no longer calm,  now his eyes filled with frustration.

“WHAT! Lou! We need to go and get that bus”

“Babe, listen to me. We can’t go further into town, we need to stop and go into a cafe and listen to the news, something is very wrong,  it will take 5 mins, will you please trust me on this.”

We were getting in everyones way stood on the busy footpath arguing. Harry couldn’t see where my neurotic behaviour had come from and he was  annoyed at my pestering. Why did he not trust me? Why was he not listening to me? Why was he risking our lives just for work?

Panic raised from my stomach to my heart. Standing in the middle of Baker Street the tention burst out of my mouth at full throttle, and with full force he matched my anger. We were fighting for different sides, we were no longer a unit, we were being torn by anger. I screamed at him, ” Listen to me.”  I even pushed him in the chest. He was so fucked off and furious at my dramatic behaviour.

In the world around us everyone was still chilled, it was just another day in London Town, people running a bit late  for work and just trying to make their way to work ….and there I was melting down. Why could no one feel this too?

We would walk 5 steps and then I would freeze and start arguing,  this happened about 3 times. walking,  stopping and  then shouting at each other. It was awful and so unlike us.

“Babe please listen to me, we cant go further into town we need to stay here, you need to trust me something is happening, please babe listen to me. please can we just wait for a while, go and get breakfast and listen to the news or something”

“Stop it Lou! if you wanna go home go home, I’m going to work. Pull yourself together or go and get the train back home. I need to get to work. You either get on the bus with me or go home the station is just there, just go.”

Our very placid relationship started to blow. I was crying and screaming begging him to stay. I turned into an unreasonable child, stood in dispar crying like a 2-year-old and he was just walking away from me.

All I knew is that we needed to get away from the city, but I wouldnt go without him.  Even though he couldn’t see it, this was the moment I had always feared. I would rather die next to him than have him die and leave me here in this world on my own.

I was aware of the overly dramtic feelings that were surfacing and almost flet like I was in a movie. At times I questioned if I really was losing the plot and delving into some dramtic fantasy.

“Please don’t leave me babe, please listen to me”

He was now more pissed off that I had ever seen him, but he was looking for any way to defuse the situation.

“FINE,  we’ll get the bus to my office and you can come in there and listen to whatever you need there, but I need to get to work you can either come with me now or fuck off back home, either way I am leaving right now”

We climbed onto a Route master bus , my cheeks red and burning,  people were looking at me but I really didnt care. I was shaking, desperately wanting to connect with Harry. I tried to catch his eyes but he was detached. He didn’t hold my hand, he didn’t look at me and that hurt as much as the fear that we were going somewhere we really shouldn’t.

There was a seat on the lower deck, but I couldn’t bare to go further into the bus so I perched on the side by the door staring with a moody face at the world trundling by.  My energy was  sharp and prickly. I felt defeated and confused at why I was behaving this way and at a loss at what I should be doing about it.

The anger between us was like a brick wall,  we couldn’t even look at each other . I knew and I understood  why he was baffled by  by reactions, even I was!  But my intuition was so stong that I was furious because I felt he was risking my life for his work instead of trusting me.

blog routemaster

The bus drove up Oxford Street. My eyes fixed on the door and the world outside. I could feel the hustle and bustle of the West End. This was the part of town that I loved so much, It was like home to me. Most people hate Oxford Street, but I loved it, I loved the diversity and the sardine like compression when the overspill of  Soho media people try to fight their way home through the tourists!  …but today I did not love it, I didn’t want to be here.

We pulled into but stop and I caught eyes with a guy getting on our bus,  he looked worn down and fed up and a my body reacted to his disposition.  I started sweating.. The blood was rushing round my body and  into my head,  I became light and wobbly, the static in my brain rushed though like a gayle force wind.  How could the world around be so still and calm and when I was now physically combusting  with fear.

Transfixed on the people trying to climb onto our packed  bus,  something took over me, I didn’t know what I was doing, i was removed from my body,   the bus was pulling away and I was jumping off,  I stumbled onto the pavemnts and looked back  , I didn’t make any conscious choice nor did i think about Harry  all I knew was that I landed on te ground and I was off that bus , I looked back

“Harry get off now”

He jumped – fury in his face.

“What the fuck Lou, for fuck  sake what are you thinking. All the buses are full and  now we’ll have to walk the rest of the way , for fuck sake”

For some reason I didn’t argue the rest of the way. We walked from Oxford circus to High Holborn. I tried to make conversation but it was in vain. I had pushed all his buttons, I had behaved in a stupid and irrational way and now we had to walk another half hour to his office.

I reasoned and calmed myself, in my mind this was a better option,  I felt less trapped by the bus and felt safe knowing  we would go into his office where  we’d be away from whatever it was that was crippling my rational.

Barley a word between us for half an hour, I knew all he could think about was letting his team down at work by not being there. There was  no connection between us, the walk was painful but I  didn’t care I was grateful, because I began to feel safe again.

Harry worked in a large law firm,  a dominating building that oozes safely, with its huge warm glowing earthy entrance. I always liked coming here, I loved the people, the vibe  and even though it wasnt my office, I always felt a part of  the team (due to many many nights out with people whom we both called friends).

off_olswang1

We got to the large swinging doors and as we went to walk in Harry turned to me “Right babe, I’ve gotta go , I’ll see you later, let me know when you get into work” his voice was cold and factual he didn’t even go to kiss me.

My mind was spinning at 200 mph what… what .. what, he said I could come into his office,  he said I could come in.

I worked half an hour tube ride from Holborn, the only way there was via liverpool street, but I knew that was where I should not be. ”

“How am I going to get to work, you said I could come in”

“Get the Tube Lou, its late I need to  go to work”

“Fuck you Harry, fuck you, I’ll have to go to Liverpool street from here! Fuck you, I can’t actually  believe you’re letting me go, fuck you fuck you.”

I spun on my heels and stormed off crying a sea of rage. Harry just walked on into the office releaved that he was finally at work and away from the insanity that the past hour and half  had brought.

We had never in 7 years parted in this way, and now in a time when I felt I was looking down a hole of dispair, where all I could feel was death, and  here we were parting in a way that went against every belief system etched into my very soul.

We were broken, our bond was broken. I was walking to Liverpool Street, and I felt I was walking into a the eye of a storm all on my own.

I stopped caring, I stopped crying, I was numb, and this drama felt insane.

I reasoned with myself as I walked. Harry was safe and that’s all that mattered. I could die and it didn’t matter because I would die alone, and not be left alone on this earth without him.

I didn’t care what happened now, I just walked  and walked, my mind spinning. How could he fucking do this to me and leave me to walk away like this?

THE ATMOSPHERE CHANGED.

As I walked along High Holborn something told me to look up, it was  the same intense feeling and voice that took over me when I jumped from the bus on Oxford street. I saw bus pass with “not in service” on it, and then another and then another and then everywhere I looked there were streams of busses all with the same

not in service rootmaster

The blood drains  through me,  I feel numb and scared and alone.

I looked around at people, everyone was still, no one was walking. it was eariee, like a time lapse. Hundreds of people all just ground to a halt, looking at their mobiles, the darkest of all fear was now over us, and we all felt it unaware of why we were all feeling a fear.

I pulled my phone out, .. no reception, nothing.

Nothing had happened nothing, but something HAD, I could feel it, my body ached, everyone near me could now feel something wasn’t right.

In a split second everyone was moving again, , fight or flight, and the next thing I knew I was running back, running back to Harrys Office, I had to be with Harry. There were crowds of people going to the opposite way to me, i was trying to get through the atmosphere was heavy.

And like in a movie through he crowds I saw harry running towards me hand outstretched through the crowd … his arms reach me, I was crying , but had no idea I was, he grabbed my shoulder and reached for my hand and dragged me back through the crowds. all I could hear was

” i’m so sorry i’m so sorry you’re right your right there’s a bomb we have to get back now”

Only 5 mins before the Oslwang office had shaken as the  bus bomb went off in Tavistock Square just behind the building. I have no idea how we didn’t feel it when we were walking  but everyone in his office had.

bus bomb

We spent the rest of the day in lock down in the ironically bomb proof Olswang offices. We all gathered round the TV watching in horror at what had happened that morning. I cried and cried disbelief hat this could ever happen, trying to get my head round my intuitions of the morning and the reality that people had died today…

Thank god for emails, one by one our gang of friends all check in with each other,  and by 11am I knew everyone I loved was safe…

I spent the rest of the day in a haze as the events unfolded on the news. Harry dutifully got on with his work.

There was an air of tension between Harry and myself. By 3.30 we were allow to leave the building, We’d not really spoken about what had happened and he told me to go home and he’d see me later. Again I was devastated that he wanted to be apart from me, but normal life had resumed in his office and me being there was not a professional look for the stoic english work ethics installed in their professional outfit.

l walked back to Marylebone, all the way from High Holborn in a state of fear incase anything else was going to happen. I was also consumed with concern for my relationship with Harry. Truth be told we had never experienced such hostility between each other and all the mushy love seemed to have gone.

I called our best friend Mark on my walk home. He  stayed on the phone with me all the way back to Marylebone wich was a good 45 mins walk. helping me see where harry’s head would have been, and being totally understanding of how I was feeling.  He’s been Harry’s best friend since they were 11, and was my safety net and voice of reason that day.

That day caused a huge tension in our relationship for many months, because my psychic awareness was now heightened and I wanted to talk about it, but harry did not. Following on from that day a stream of unexplained coincidences, spiritual moments and premonitions came about. I knew I was never going to be the same again. I had learned to listen to the messages of divine and I had a new trust in something that was unexplainable. Harry was not one for talking about it back then…

Its take years for us to talk openly about this, but the truth is a lot of Harry’s defensiveness that day came from a guilt of letting me go and being incapable of trusting something that wasnt factual. I can honestly say, 8 years on things are very different, and he has his own stories of learning to live with his wife going though some pretty crazy experiences.

This story still makes me cry, because I understand what I was feeling was the frequency of the devastation and death that was going on. I have no idea if we were saved from anything or if i was just so heightened to the torture of those people caught in the bombings. but from then on I always listened to my intuition and Harry has learned to trust me too 🙂

My intuition is the greatest gift I have ever received. Many of my friends and family have been touched by the sporadic phone calls, the predictions and the random reaching out that has been led by my inner guides. We all have it in us, but sometimes life throws lessons at us that make us truly listen to ourselves.

That day was so awful,  so many people lost friends and family. But there has been greatness that has come from it too… here is here is a wonderful story – an amazing amazing woman.

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About Having Cake And Eating It

Playful, Carefree, Radio Presenter, Entrepreneur, Mentor, Music & Festival LOVER, Hypocritical Hippy, Reiki Master, Sweary Dyslexic Blogger, Crazy Mum & Wife) View all posts by Having Cake And Eating It

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