For the next few weeks I sunk into another deep depression, I had never experienced such lows before and it was scary. I just couldn’t pull myself out of it. I felt abandoned by closes friends and disappointed by family members – and I closed the door on the world. No one really knew what I was going through other than my husband and my best friend.
I was still in pain and the lack of sleep wasn’t helping because I still couldn’t get comfortable at night. My ribs just hurt so fucking much and I was missing running, and I began putting on weight – I just felt so crap!
All I kept thinking was ‘ this really isn’t me at all – I want my happy disposition back – I want to be happy and carefree again – I don’t want to be like this!
It felt like everything was falling apart, it was summer holidays, I was struggling with the kids, lifting them in and out the car, and doing activities, I wasn’t working because I couldn’t get my head in the place.. I was just in a total shit place – yes I’d have good days and i was fine… but it was nothing in comparison to how I used to be. And as we know – when you’re in a shit place you just attract more shit!!
A few weeks later I had a very healing trip to the New Forest with some girlfriends, and it was just so nice to just get away from the 4 walls of my house.
I remember calling my mentor and saying ‘ I just can’t understand why this has happened to me! I told him that I was sure it was all of this was too connected to my best friend, but I had no understanding of why! Our attacks we both random (so different …yet so random!) In his usual soothing voice he told me its time to surrender to all the questions.. its senseless he told me – SENSE – LESS . I surrendered.
The answers came 20 minutes later with a phone call from my best friend…. A lady we know who does a lot of healing and energy work had spoken my friend (without trying to make this all too hippy dippy, she said many things that began to make sense to us both and explained how we were connected) .
Why these things happen there is no reason – and maybe we look for something that isn’t really there – but in so many ways I was grateful to have been through this, because I was experiencing things I had never experienced before – and having emotions I hadn’t had before. Through all the pain I knew I was growing and becoming wiser with it, and with that insight I began to lift again…
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