All I remember for the next few days was sinking somewhere I had never been before.
My mom had to take 3 days off work and come help – Harry’s work was stacking up and the pressure was on – and it was fucking annoying I couldn’t do anything – physically or emotionally.
My mom arrived on the Monday and I just remember saying to her ‘ I don’t feel like me, I have no happiness, I’m flat, I’m empty and I have no idea why’
I knew she had no answers, all she could do was take over the care of the kids while I sat there gazing into space trying to climb out of a black hole that was sucking me further away from who i knew myself to be…
What the fuck was all this about – ‘so what I’ve been a little hurt, no one is dead, we’ve all got our heath – get a grip Lou!!!
I was lost – I’ve never been lost before and I was starting to feel dam guilty for my lack of understanding for all those people who suffer with depression – I self chastised myself for all the times I used to preach from my perch of positivity advising flippantly ‘come on think of all the good things’
Fuck knows I was trying to – but it wasn’t giving me wings… I was beginning to lose all my belief, of the universe, positive vibrations, the power of the mind… it was like watching it spinning down a plug hole – I was left with nothing to hold onto.
My best friend arrived Monday evening, we had chatted ever day since it had happened but she started to hear me slipping and she was there like a drop of a hat. When she arrived I just fell into her and cried and cried and cried. The release to just see her was overwhelming – she knew how I felt and I knew how she felt – and all I wanted to do was take her pain away, BECAUSE in all the positive pep talks i had given her since her attack… I had been ignorant to the utter shite black hole she was in of fear…
As i write this the tears fall down my face because – remembering is recalling how painful – I just wanted to take away all she had been through.
To be continued…..