I hurt, I really hurt. I was unable to get myself out of bed without Harry lifting me gently and me wincing with pain – I was simply unable to do anything!
After years of meditation I naturally take very long deep breaths, but at this point I was unable to breathe anything more than 1-2 seconds before the pain kicked in! It was a horrid feeling and this was sort of getting me down and on top of that the kids wanted cuddles and I couldn’t give them because it just bloody hurt so much.
Remarkably in myself I felt ok (ish! – so I thought!)
I’m normally shite at trying ‘not’ to do anything! I get frustrated and find it impossible to just sit and do nothing! For example – 5 days after my c-section with my second baby I was camping at Glastonbury for 5 nights and walking 10 miles a day!!!! SO ‘recovery time’ is generally not in my realm of living !
I’m also not very good at asking for help but something was different this time – I needed help and I was open to asking for it.
I cut off from work and any responsibilities because for some reason my brain just didn’t seem to be able to cope!
I found myself spending hours just sat on the door step or in the garden gazing out to space and despite my breathing difficulties I seemed to have become attached to smoking – smoking all the time!!!
I just seemed to float around the house in a weird blissful state of gratitude of life however I would then find myself randomly crying .
I would find myself mid conversation to friends talking random shit about how beautiful the trees are, or funny things the kids had said and then I’d just start crying uncontrollably ! I felt so stupid and really had no idea where it was all coming from. This must have happen hourly On the Friday night.
Harry and I sat on the front doorstep smoking, and just gazing at the stars – I was overwhelmed with love and peace and so grateful for everything in my life – my husband, my kids, all the friends.. so many friends.. and then the tears would flow again – tears of pain and fear – yet gratitude!
I spoke to the police – they said they had arrested the girl who’s attacked me and she was on bail for ABH.
I didn’t know how I felt – I almost felt awful for her I didn’t want her life ruined .. but there I was in pain and beginning cut myself off from reality!
and all these tears – all these tears – so why were they coming and coming and coming???
I soon started to get a grip on something – I wasn’t crying for myself… This had raised something buried deep inside me! It dawned on me – I was crying for my best friend!
For the first time, I began to get a slight insight into what she must have gone through when she was stabbed – and I knew the pain I was feeling both emotionally and physically was a mear dot in compassion to what she went through
… TO BE CONTINUED