This week is what you would call ‘one of those weeks’
I generally keep a positive twist on everything that goes a bit ‘tits up’. I’m quite good at seeing a silver lining and being all ‘la la la’ when things don’t go my way and it really takes a lot to bother me; angry drivers, rude people, work issues, money etc all seem wash over me and I feel great for it.
I belive in the Law of Attraction and all that spiritual stuff so I try not to feed a negative situation. If everything seems to be against me then it’s normally a sign to stop and think… ‘why is this happening and what is it telling me?’ Normally it’s because I’m not listening to my true self or, the things that are going wrong are distractions for the greater good!
Sooo anyway… time to admit.. I may have, a little bit, slightly lost it for a little bit ( a lot) this week.
Here is the start of a blog I wrote a few days ago –
A few days back I had the fear of god I was going to lose Bon Bon, today I have the fear of losing the bloody plot. Wow fuck a duck , been a while since I lost the plot.
I feel a rage and no music seems to be bringing me back to my center. I am furious with my 4-year-old. Today she threw not just 1 massive tantrum this morning, but she then proceeded to have 2 more, one after school and one going to bed. She’s been a nightmare since last thursday, like not eating her dinner and having meltdowns all the time. WTF!
I am searching for the answers of why the hell she is being like this and the only answer sounds like a bloody excuse… ‘She’s not feeling 100% and I’m being too hard on her!’
I know, I know that she’s a grumpy little bugger when she’s ill, BUT I don’t back down to bad behaviour. I cant let her get away with tantrums, being ill is no excuse in my book! Aggggh BUT I’m cross with myself too…. I keep hearing that little voice ‘ choose your battles Lou’. but I STILL see it that’s she’s pushing her boundaries and I’m simply not having it!
I don’t let anything go, she steps out of line and I’m on her like a tone of bricks – but I justify being tough because shes good kid, caring thoughtful, polite, respectful, chilled , and most importantly she’s happy. But now she’s pushing, – she sees other kids pushing boundaries and she probably thinks ‘ I want a bit of that’ – but I wont stand for it. I don’t want her to be a rude little fucker like some of the kids at school.
So her playing up for a 3rd night at bed time, on top of 3 tantrums just pushed my button! I lost it when her crying woke Arabella up. It seems 2 kids screaming is what tips me over the edge! I shouted at Connie and I just walked off, had enough, told Connie to put herself to bed as she lay there screaming on the landing floor. I even heard myself shout ‘ for god sake Connie just shut up’. Aghhhh I really REALLY shouted at her. I lost control and I knew what I was doing but the rage built up and it came out of me.
I feel awful. Harry sorted it out and Bon Bon said sorry before going to bed and my response was a very cold ‘I’m sick of hearing sorry from you Connie, I want this behaviour to stop’ and I didn’t even give her a proper kiss. I AM HORRID, I FEEL AWFUL.
That night Arabella puked for England, and in all honesty I felt like crap too…
We had a Harris House mental day, Connie said she’s fine and wants to go to school, I was exhausted because Arabella was up all night crying, and I was on a radio show at 9am – 12 so had to get a crack on. I had the pressure of shed loads of work to do, meetings to get to and screaming annoying kids, lunches to make, hair to do, (you know that morning routine is always mental!) oh and a playdate to go buy food for because most kids hate all the boring food we have in our house !
The rest of the day whet sonthing like this:
- After the show I headed to the office, within 10 mins Arabella puked red stuff all over the cream carpet so I took her home, and cancelled my meetings.
- I started to felt sick too, so went to bed for an hour while Bell slept.
- I called Harry to see if he could do the school run BUT due to the downpour of rain we were having our car Lucy Lotus was broken down and Harry was a mile away waiting for The AA!!!
- I dropped and smashed my iphone and the insurance excess is £100!
- wont mention the 2 new tyres on my Betty car at £500 each and 2 new ones on Lucy at £200 each and the lotus respray that needs paying for!
- Then… When I got home I opened up a letter with a £1000 invoice for a rolling contract from a shitfuckwanker company
- Then I walked into the pantry and like something in a comedy movie down from the top shelf fell the ReadyBreak…In slow motion the snowfall fell around me… I am pleased to say I stood there laughing my ass off covered in readybreak – this was just comedy now!!
- Poor Connie that night woke up screaming ‘my mini hurts’ she even said she wanted me to take her to hospital… and she’s terrified of hospitals! after half hour of calming her down she eventually lets me look… no rash, no redness? I’m confused.. (more confused because I’m not sure what 4 year old girl bits should look like!!)… THEN I SEE IT… fuck me yuck yuck yuck yuck.. a bloody thredworm *SHUDDER* !!!!
NICE! this explains everything. My friend even said that week that her son got them and it made him really grumpy and miserable!
Morning Mayhem, woke up late, Connie’s crying her eyes out because she wants to go to school . The energy in th house is flat , we’re all really grumpy. Me and Harry are really narky with each other, I have a meeting in Oxford at 10.30 and have to go to the office first and Harry has a phone meeting at 9.30 so we have an argument about who should take Connie up to school… I lose and I start to harbour ‘fuck you feelings’.
At 9.30 I take Connie into school but ask to see her teacher, Mrs C came out and with very sympathetic eyes says to me ‘ wow you’ve had a week of it havent you?’ at that point POOR ME took over and I broke down in tears! what a twat Lou!!!
Mrs C assures me Connie would have picked the worms up from school because they were aware of it going round and said best we go home and all get treated.
I drop Connie back home with Harry and head to my meeting and smoke about a ciggy on the way – tut tut!!! meeting went great… hooraaa i start to feel much better.
So we’ve all had some medicine… and poor Arabella and Harry are now really unwell with a stomach bug and flu type thing
I’ve discovered.. i don’t have time to be unwell, I’ll schedule it in for august some time!!
So the moral of this long and probably very boring story is … I SHOULD HAVE LISTEN TO MYSELF! I knew Connie was coming down with something last week, i should have listened to the signs and done something about it sooner before everything escalated – but I carried on being a stubborn ‘i’m not having this behavior’ mom…. sometimes i have to learn to give that role up once in a while.